Grief does not have a time limit

So its been a little while since my last post and there is a few reasons for that. Starting a new job for one, because as exciting it is, it’s also like an anxious person’s living nightmare. I had a panic attack in my car on my first day and spent nearly an hour crying. I walked back into work like nothing had happened because I didn’t know anyone, and if I were to tell them it was because of my anxiety then, as much as I’m not ashamed, it may have given me a feeling of shame. Then there’s the house Ash and I have bought together, my mum being the sole reasonable that was possible. Its amazing but its also stressful, draining, confusing but hopefully in the end rewarding. 

The main reason I haven’t wrote in a while is because I haven’t really known what to say. It’s safe to say the last few months have triggered quite a few emotions for me, both good and bad ones and I have just been trying to figure out how to make sure it is the good ones that come through. My uncle died before Christmas and then my Grandma passed away in February and I think the proximity of them both, tore down any strength I had to started to feel. Both brought on very different feelings. My uncle John, only 59, died of a heart attack, he died before he was supposed to, and we lost such an amazing man. My Grandma, well she was 98, but I think one clear thing was that as much as I thought the age thing would make a difference to the level of pain, it didn’t. I think one of the worst things about grief is the regret. The regret of not trying harder, of not picking up the phone more often, of not have done enough when they were alive. That really hurts, still does to this day.

My uncles funeral was beautiful, and on a separate post I have attached the poem I wrote for him, because I would like to have this tribute to his life as part of this journey. I didn’t go to grandma’s funeral. I don’t know yet if I will regret this as well, because I didn’t say goodbye in the conventional sense, but unfortunately a broken relationship with my dad prevented me from being able to do that. I won’t go into that and it is actually one relationship in which i know I will not regret missing out on. That sounds harsh, but when you have been let down so many times by someone, you learn that the only relationships you’ll regret not trying on are the ones where the love is reciprocated. 

I know that this is all pretty heavy stuff but sometimes the only way for me to have perspective and to realise that I have amazing people in my life, is to take a step back and reflect on the bad to. I really miss my uncle, I feel sad everyday thinking of my aunty living without him, of my Grandma losing a son, of my mum losing her brother, and of my brother, sister and I losing our Uncle. It still hurts because its only been four months and there is no time limit of grief, depression or sadness. 

I’ve experienced grief before but never quite like this. It’s not something you can google solutions for, it is something that I need to work through slowly.

I know for a fact that my Uncle and my Grandma would be proud of where I have gotten to. I am in a job that I love, I have amazing family, a relationship that makes me happier each day, and opportunities of happiness everyday. It’s sometimes just hard to understand why they aren’t here to see me, and my family grow in our different ways. 

I promise the next post will be a little more upbeat…. And don’t worry I won’t make you wait as long this time 😉